With the temperature finally pushing into the 90s and the kids done with school, summer is officially upon us in Houston! And for many that means things like pools, ice cream, camp…and also lots more family time, and with it lots of emotions!
One thing my professional and personal work has taught me is an appreciation for embracing, understanding, and managing my own spectrum of emotions – not always the easiest or most pleasant task, but when I’m able to do so those around me have much more of a fighting chance of managing theirs, too. This is especially true when I’m working with children and adolescents. We’ve all been in a situation where the kids around us are melting down and the one thing that’s guaranteed to throw kerosene onto an already combustible situation is for us to join them in the melt down.
Of course, we all have human moments when we embrace the kid in us from time to time – no one can be fully adult at every moment – but the more work we can do on our own emotions, the easier it is for the kids we are in relationship with to learn how to manage their emotions. In the words of Dan Siegal, M.D., author of No-Drama Discipline, we must “name it to tame it,” and it’s pretty difficult for us to help kids name the emotions they are experiencing if we’re having a great deal of difficulty naming ours for ourselves.
Additionally, neither kids nor adults are able to do any learning and growth for the future in the full throws of a melt down. Kids need adults to help them learn how to calm down and bring their “thinking brains,” or prefrontal cortex, that critical part of our brains that allows us to do things like name our emotions, make decisions, delay gratification, and say that all-important, “No, this is not a good idea,” back on board first.
One awesome tool I’ve come across recently to help in the quest to develop that relationship with my emotions is The Atlas of Emotions developed by Drs. Paul and Eve Ekman at the request of none other than the Dalai Lama. You might take a few minutes to do some exploring in The Atlas…I think you’ll find you might learn a thing or two about the sometimes bewildering world of emotions. In the process of learning about yourself, you might find yourself armed with a few more tools to meet your kids where they’re at.
And if you find you want to learn more about your emotions and your daughter’s, I’m always available to help you and your daughter walk through this process. It’s one of the things I feel most passionately about!